I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
