I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
