Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
