Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
