I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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