So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
