remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is it penis luge time yet?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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