Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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