Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
