How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
