do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
