So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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