best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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