I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
