____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
