Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
