Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
