I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
