for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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