What a fucking waste of an outfit
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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