i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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