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Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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