got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
