I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
