Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
