Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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