Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
