Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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