i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
