no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
