Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
