i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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