I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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