Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
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All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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