So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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