I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
