Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I die, sorry about rent.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
