How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
