tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
