I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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