Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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