I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
