There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
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