i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
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Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
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Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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