Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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