My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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