If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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