I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just pee around me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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