Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
