Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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