If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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