I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
