I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
