Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
