My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
