I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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i want to swaddle you in tequila
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
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im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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