He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
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I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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