Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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