Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
